so, i’ve been going through a phase of sorts. it’s one where i can’t make decisions, or be confident about anything. i waver with words, double- and triple-checking them in my head, making corrections as i go, rather than letting the failures exist out there and dealing with the consequences/awkwardness. i’m petrified of saying the wrong thing, or living the wrong way.
i’m so indecisive i can’t decide how many spoons of tea to put in the pot, or if i should eat a snack now or later, or if i should read now or later, or what TV show i should watch, or if i should be watching TV at all. my entire life feels up in the air and confused, almost like playing a game. that scares me.
one could say if one were making comparisons (which i have been, to make myself feel better) that i’m in a “better place” than i was a year or so ago at this time. i’m better functioning and not AS depressed, certainly. but i do not know what to label this grayness. this time around, it’s full of awareness that things are unsatisfying and slow. i tell myself, relax. chill out. you don’t have to hop from thing to thing and stay busy all the time. that’s what summer is for. right?
in any case, this feeling isn’t new. it’s been around. only, since school and external purposes have dropped away, the ’emptiness’ (space, silence, peace, call it what you will) of reality is laid bare and all light shines upon it. it’s daunting. i am faced with the days and the task of reconciling them, of constructing something. or of accepting doing nothing. and doing nothing seems often like the better option, because anything i do is not good enough, or somehow feels wrong. i’m not enthused about my options or about the final things i land on. e.x., i’m watching the show community right now with my best friend and while it’s good, i can’t focus on it. even when it’s funny, it’s not funny. nothing is.
when stuff gets like this, people say you should return to the things you love. what things do i love? they don’t satisfy me anymore. all cultural products intended for amusement or entertainment are fleeting and superficial. if i try something new i am embarrassed and give up easily. my brain seems to have surrendered, or something.
i am unenthused about writing this post, even. i only did it because it was written into my journal for today: “draft blog post”. and because i made a commitment when i made this blog.
i just don’t have anything to say that feels worthwhile. it’s all been said before. it all comes out wrong. being misunderstood is painful. i can try to be like someone else, an ideal in my head, but my performance is lackadaisical. i’m not even good at mimicry anymore because my attempts at pretending are half-assed.
i’m tired all the time. so, so tired. fatigued as hell. and i’ve said all of these things in my head so many times that my brain is gritting its teeth and going: “enough already. can’t you just calm down and accept that your life is good and peaceful and you have nothing to stress about and no real problems?”
i’ll end this post here because there’s nothing else to say.